If I believed that the Lord supplies all my needs, would I need ideal relationships to bring me joy? Would I experience so much heartache?
From a young age, I’ve loved movies and music. I watched the stories of love play out on screen. I ingested their images and ideas into my soul. From them I had the picture-perfect view of marriage, parenthood, and friendship I chase today.
But as every single relationship that is important to me in life (every single one!!), has been challenged this year, I found myself asking “What am I chasing?”
You see, at the end of 2019, I was introduced to “the surrendered life.” I read it over and over again and thought, “Yes I can do that. I give it all to you. It is done.” So it’s not a coincidence that immediately following my commitment, all the beliefs necessary to walk it out were put to trial.
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
James 1:2-4
I knew in early 2019, God wanted to teach me and refine me in the area of relationships. I was willing, excited even. I purposely started with the easiest of the three; the one I had the least dependence on – friendship. I thought, “Ok, I can let go of what I want in my friendships and still keep my joy”. Thankfully, I found that to be true. I released a lot of my “rights,” and in exchange I received freedom.
But parenthood was a little more difficult and marriage, well, that is the most difficult of all. And if one of them doesn’t work as well as you want it to, then the other can suffer.
This can be tough in a marriage, as you may feel the extra strain of finances and providing for your child. You’re not just looking after yourselves anymore, you are responsible for another person. And yes, to say that it’s hard is an understatement. Some people I know have even had to look into fundraising or other methods from places like GoFundMe, (https://www.gofundme.com/c/blog/child-care-assistance) to see how they can raise some extra money to take away the pressure because sometimes, they just can’t afford the most essential things. I have to say, parenthood hasn’t been that bad for us yet, but when it coincides with marriage, it’s equally as tough.
I have so many ideas and images – expectations. There are so many lies hiding in my heart. I received pictures of love, given to me by the world system of entertainment.
The Lord is telling me to give up those expectations. They are not a reflection of the love illustrated in the bible. They are based on lies. They are keeping you in a lack mindset; fulfillment of those expectations does not bring joy.
In my mind, I know there is freedom on the other side of surrender. But in my heart, that feels scary. The truth is if I let go of my goals and surrender to the Lord, I am empowered to love with the heart of the Lord. Not a selfish type of love that seeks approval, acceptance, appreciation or admiration. Love will overflow from the abundance of my heart; joy. I know this because I’ve experienced it in other areas of my life. Yet every time I even think of letting go of what I want to receive from my relationships, I cry on the spot. I want it so badly. I am struggling to let go.
So the question goes back to, who provides all of my needs (the need for approval, acceptance, appreciation, admiration) … God or my relationships? Lord, I believe. Help me with my unbelief.
While I position myself and wait for the revelation of truth to transform my belief and heart, I know it is coming. In his faithful work, I rest my hope. I count it all joy. #deliverance #restoration #imaworkinprogress #imnotthereyet #holyspirittransformmyheart
