The Internal Workings of a People Pleaser

I yearn for silence and solitude. For a quiet time in communion with God. My reality is one of rushing, constant noise, over stimulation. I reach for stillness. I can see it, but never in my grasp.

The Habit of Yes

My soul continues the cycle of habit. Yes – I can meet for dinner; ((ring, ring)) Yes – I’m here; Is dinner ready – Yes; ((Buzz)) Incoming text, I know its late. Can you check the urgent email that came in and respond – Yes; A few of us friends are getting together, wanna come? – Yes. ——— Nooooooooo!!!

I’m overwhelmed. I can’t breathe. My mind is running ahead of me. A constant buzz with no definition, no focus. I’m chest deep in quicksand – can’t pull myself out. The habit of yes is choking the life out of me, choking the God out of me. Filling me with fleshly desires. My desires, my families’, friends’, coworkers until the Lord is completely flushed out.

Guilt, pride, a self-promoting soul guides me to feed the beast that can never be satisfied. It’s never enough. I’M never enough. —- But in my weakness, He is strong. He sets daily appointments with me in the still of the night. Gently awakening me. While the world sleeps we commune.

Transformation

I can see, he has a safety line. Slowly pulling me out of the quicksand. His love envelops me. He quiets my mind. He refreshes my soul. He slowly transforms my heart. Through these little meetings in our secret place, little by little, bit by bit, he is realigning my soul and all its actions and habits with His will; Because my spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak.

He is placing me in right relationship with others. There is a purge underway. I don’t know what my life and relationships will look like in the coming months and years, but I do know that these three will remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Thank You, Lord

Thank you, Lord, for showing me that is not my actions but the condition of my heart that you are concerned with. Thank you for taking it in your sovereign hands and by your grace transforming it. Thank you for showing me experientially that your yolk is easy and through a transformed heart the fruits of the spirit flow naturally and in abundance. Thank you for showing me how to align myself with your grace and the transforming work you are completing in my heart – even if it takes meeting in the night. Thank you for your persistent love, for lighting my path.

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