Who is the Real Me?

Moving into the kingdom of God, under his rule is the most amazing move I’ve ever made. What an exciting journey!! AND it’s a journey not without its challenges. Reorganizing my life within the context of this kingdom takes time and work. I’m learning a whole new culture while learning to speak a completely different language. There are things familiar to me in this kingdom but so many other things I’m exploring and figuring out. I can imagine God (as Apostle Phil would say, “in my sanctified imagination”) gazing down on me with admiration like a mother watches her toddler trying to put a square peg into a round hole; struggling to figure out which hole the peg will fit into.

My heart, thoughts and actions are changing. I’m learning so much from a wonderful teacher. It wasn’t until recently that I realized, I’m stuck! The more I grow and change, the more I feel stuck in the relationships most important to me. You see, they know me …. they know ME. The real me. The good, bad and the ugly. I no longer know how to show up in these relationships. They have a long standing established social context, a rhythm. I don’t know how to blend the two (my new culture and the culture of my most important relationships).

I remember something similiar from my childhood as a biracial girl living in a segragated city. I had my black friends, around whom I “acted black” and I had my white friends, around whom I “acted white.” My greatest fear was for my white friends and black friends to be in the same place at the same time. Who would I be? Who is the real me?

This struggle comes with a fear of authenticity, what if they reject me? A fear of being perceived as a hypocrite. I’ve only recently realized how much this fear is holding me back. There are things God is asking me to do in these relationships most important to me and I can’t bring myself to do them. I can’t show them the new me.

The fear is so strong, it blocks my steps of faith. As I was discussing this issue with a friend, she told me, just do it. You know that all that is a lie. You know these people love you and will accept you. Just do it. As I explored that option, I realized that I really can’t do it unless I believe. I’m paralyzed in fear. I know from experience that until I RECEIVE the truth from God, my actions will not change.

But I’m hopeful because I’ve been here before. I know from experience that once I get to this point, I know receiving the truth is right around the corner. It will take a little while. I’ll wrestle with these thoughts. I’ll ask God to show me the truth, to reveal it to me and help me believe it. I will receive enough to step out in faith. I only need faith the size of a mustard seed to take a step out of my paralyzed state and God will do the rest. It will be more than I could ever have hoped for. So much so that I’ll wonder why I lived in fear so long.

I’m smilig now. Its coming – Freedom!

Mark 9:24 … “I do believe; help me with my unbelief.”

John 8:31-32 To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

Matthew 18:20 … “Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

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