An Audience of One

This topic consumes me. It’s all I write, think and pray about. To the point of making me wonder if once delivered from it, will anything remain for me in this journey? I’m showing my ignorance right now. I have a sneaky suspicion there is.

1 “Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.

Matthew 6:1

The agony of waking up and realizing you’ve built an entire life around performance-based acceptance. There are no words to justify, to truly reflect this pain.

Yearning for Freedom

To be free in Christ, I know I must cast off this deep desire to be liked. There is bondage in performing for the merit and approval of others. It’s a suffocating trap that slowly and discreetly chocks the life out of a person.

Oh, how I yearn to be absolutely joyous performing before an audience of one, my Lord. This is what I pray for. I ask the Lord to help me; for my will to align with his. Through this process, I’m learning the power of prayer. Ask and ye shall receive. He is teaching me and guiding me. I’m completely hopeless to relieve myself of this addictive obsession. This can only be accomplished by his grace.

Grow in Grace

“To “grow in grace” means to utilize more and more grace to live by, until everything we do is assisted by grace. Then, whatever we do in word or deed will all be done in the name of the Lord Jesus (Colossians 3:17). The greatest saints are not those who need less grace, but those who consume the most grace, who indeed are most in need of grace—those who are saturated by grace in every dimension of their being. Grace to them is like breath.” 

Dallas Willard, Renovation of the Heart: Putting On the Character of Christ

The transformation is happening bit by bit. By the power of the Holy Spirit. I’m learning to set boundaries. I’m starting to tell people how I really feel. I’ve learned to be ok with uncomfortable feelings … both in myself towards others and in others towards me. I’m learning not to always try and fix it. I’m learning to let go of responsibility for other people’s lives.

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