Posted On April 13, 2019
The Lord has been working to get my attention on this for at least a year. Suddenly, this week, it hit me like a ton of bricks. The wind was knocked out of my chest. I literally experienced moments where I found it difficult to breathe. I was confronted with things operating in my life that were … correction, that ARE hindering the love of God from flowing from my heart.
To be clear, this was not a brand-new revelation and I knew this was an issue. What I did not comprehend was the magnitude of it and how it was impacting my family, my husband, my children, until this week.
I’ve heard God calling for my attention to this matter, but I only pretended to acknowledge it. I wasn’t willing to really take a hard look at it. I didn’t know what it was exactly, but I could feel its heaviness, The monstrosity of it scared the crap out of me. I was scared to even look at it. So, I did what most women in our modern age do, I kept busy. I pretended the problem wasn’t as big as it was.
This wasn’t hard to do. You see, in the physical realm and within the culture of the world, what I was doing was ok. It is completely acceptable. But in the Kingdom of God, it won’t fly.
Within my pretending, I did something right. I prayed for a deeper level of intimacy within my house. I asked God to bring us closer as a family. Shortly after, Monday to be exact, things blew up in my home. I was confronted with ugly truths about myself. It’s hard to hear and receive you’ve been doing something that hurt your family.
Order in the Home
Here I stand in the process of being ordained as a teacher, prepared do ministry. What good is it if I don’t allow Christ to work in and through me in my own house.
Here is a trustworthy saying: Whoever aspires to be an overseer desires a noble task. Now the overseer is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?) 1 Timothy 3:1-5
Over the next couple of days, I went through a series of emotions. It was brutal. First, my actions broke my own heart. For years this had been building in my heart and home without me even noticing it but in hindsight, it was clear as day? How could I be so blind? I cried for hours thinking of how I’d hurt my family.
I went from heartbreak to confusion. From confusion to anger, from anger to sadness, from sadness to frustration, from frustration to despair. There I found myself, finally at the place where God wanted me. Surrender was birthed, through my tears. “Lord I need you. I have no answers and don’t know how to be any different than I’ve been. Please remove the fear that is blocking your love from flowing through my heart. I can’t do this. I need YOU! Help me be vulnerable in front of my family.”
At that moment, at the end of my rope, I felt so loved. Reminded of my prayer, “Lord, bring intimacy to my home,” I knew I was one step closer to the request. I’d tried what I knew to do and it wasn’t working …
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 1 Corinthians 12:9
Honestly, I am such a hot mess. This situation reminded me of that. Just when I thought I was figuring out my life. I was reminded, I am nothing without Him. Absolutely nothing.
Over the next couple of days, I felt my fear AND his strength. He has stepped up like He always does for me and has used this situation to bring intimacy in my home. I feel so hopeful. I will not go out to do the work for the Lord until I first submit to His will in my home. From a strong home base, ministry will overflow.